“I’m so OCD, I’m always cleaning everything.”
I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, OCD is my mind telling me that if I don’t do things the exact “right” way, something terrible will happen.
Let me give you an example in the hopes that it will help illustrate how my mind works: If I get obsessed with the idea that something is gonna happen to me today, like a terrible accident that will leave me incapacitated, injured, or worse, I have to repeat whatever I’m doing, whether it’s putting on a t-shirt, opening my laptop, unlocking my phone, putting on my glasses, getting something out of the fridge, texting, starting a YouTube video, closing a YouTube video, locking my phone, closing my laptop… you get the idea. I have to repeat the action compulsively until I feel less anxious and the thought of the terrible thing happening to me is pushed away. I used the words “have to” very intentionally here, because that’s how it feels in my mind.
At my worst, getting dressed took two or three hours. Using the bathroom took an hour, followed by another half hour of washing my hands. I once went a month without showering because I was too mentally drained to face everything that came with it.
I was always on guard, anticipating danger and bracing for impact. I stopped doing things I needed to do, and things I wanted to do. I was hiding from OCD, hiding my OCD, and hiding from the world.
I still struggle with those thoughts. Fortunately, I’m more optimistic these days. But for a long time, this was what daily life looked like.